Santa Retired (part 1)
Santa was tired. He had been delivering toys once a year around the world for, well, a really long time. Nowadays it was getting tougher to do his job. Every December 24th, he’d take off with his sleigh and reindeer. But they’d have to cruise at low altitudes to avoid all of the radar installations put in place to guard seemingly every square mile of land. Once he arrived at his destinations, he often found that the children’s parents had already ordered toys from one of those online stores that delivered them the next day free. Finally, it was getting harder to sneak down the chimney into someone’s living room, what with all the security systems and cameras and all.
And there was the problem of the toys. His elves knew how to build a great toy train, assemble a fantastic doll, or lace up a leather football. But kids nowadays wanted video games and phones. He invested in a lot of corporate retraining for his workforce but they still could never keep up with Apple or Google. And it wasn’t as if Santa was a Luddite. He had the most extensive database about all the children of the world.
The Christmas season seem to start earlier every year. As he watched his satellite-TV, Santa started to see commercials for the holidays as early as October. There seemed to be a lot of Santa impersonators too – maybe even more than Elvis impersonators – as every store, parade or TV show seem to have at least one. And then there was the naughty or nice list. Even kids that were on the naughty list wound up getting gifts. This really wreaked havoc with Santa’s business model.
He sat down with Mrs. Claus and together they decided that there would be no more Santa services on Christmas. No, Santa decided to retire. As he got older, like many of us, his bones ached with the cold winds. Mrs. Claus slipped and fell on the ice; luckily, she didn’t hurt herself, but Santa worried that as both of them got older, the North Pole was no place to be.
So one fateful day, Santa closed his workshop, packed up the Misses, his reindeer, and his elves – and boy were there a lot of elves – and headed south. He had seen the commercials and the brochures for Florida and it looked like the perfect place to settle. He found a nice little house with a pool in a gated golf community in Southwest Florida. He bought a boat for cruising along the waterways and even into the Gulf of Mexico on some of the calmer days.
But it didn’t take long for trouble to start brewing.
You see, Santa didn’t understand that he couldn’t simply keep his reindeer in his garage. The homeowners’ association had rules against that. And after he paid several fines, that matter came to a head when some of the reindeer got out one night and decided to go foraging. Well, a golf course isn’t the best place for several wayward reindeer to go poking around. Comet and Cupid wound up pawing around the eighth tee-box, making divots that clearly weren’t caused by a mishit golf shot. And Donner and Blitzen wandered by someone’s lanai, triggering a call to the local sheriff.
With great sadness, Santa shipped off the reindeer to live on a ranch several miles outside of town. At least he could visit them and they would be well fed and cared for the rest of their days. Still, he missed seeing them every day. At least the abominable snowman decided to stay at the North Pole. Santa would have no idea where a 15-foot high hairy beast could have found a home.
Boating proved to be a bit problematic too. You see Santa knew how to drive a sleigh through the air but boating on the water was at first quite baffling. He tried to use Rudolph at the bow to help guide his way but frankly, lighting was less of a problem than understanding how much different water was then air to travel through. And the boat simply wasn’t big enough. By the time Santa and the Mrs. as well as a bunch of the elves piled on – remember there were a lot of elves – the deck of the boat sagged precariously close to the water line. As much as he hated to do it, Santa had to start taking the elves out on the water in small groups.
Then, let’s talk more about the elves – did I mention there were a lot of elves? – who to the folks in the community looked like children. And this was a problem. You see, Santa bought his new home in a senior community. Children weren’t allowed except as visitors. In fact nobody under the age of 55 was allowed to live there. So the elves drifted away, some one at a time and some in groups, on to their own adventures. A few found work in a stage production of the Wizard of Oz. Still others found jobs where their mechanical skills came in handy. As they left the Florida home of Santa and Mrs. Claus, they all promised they’d keep in touch. By now, all of them had smart phones, as did Santa, and texting seemed to be the way to communicate. And true to their word they did keep in touch, sending Santa pictures of this thing and the other that they did.
Then Mrs. Claus came to Santa with another problem. It seems they miscalculated how much money they would need to get by in their retirement. Needing to pay some bills, Santa found a job at a local mall playing – you guessed it – Santa Claus! He still loved the children. But it was hard going back to what he used to do for so many years, only this time as an employee. His employer paid him minimum wage and he had to provide his own uniform. Fortunately, the clothing wasn’t a problem and he didn’t need a fake beard. Also, he was disappointed when he saw the other people that played Santa when his shift had not yet started or was over. They just didn’t laugh right. They were impatient with the children. And they seem to know little about how the whole naughty and nice thing went down.
As Christmas drew near, Santa pondered what he could do next. He obviously didn’t plan well enough for his retirement. But he didn’t want to go back to the North Pole. He really couldn’t. The days were getting warmer and the ice around his old, shuttered workshop seemed to be melting. And Santa loved the warm Florida sunshine and, aside from a cranky homeowners’ association manager, he got along well with his neighbors. He wanted to stay and make a secure and happy retirement for him and Mrs. Claus. What could he do?
©2019 Michael A. Babiarz All rights reserved
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