How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself – The Enemy Within (is your friend)

 How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself – The Enemy Within (is your friend)

“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ~ MARCUS AURELIUS

Karen is always late. Whether it’s coffee with friends, family get-togethers, or the weekly meetings at work, it’s what she’s become known for. Her coworkers and friends tease her. On the outside, Karen plays along and is self-deprecating. But inside, she’s miserable. She tells herself things like, “I can’t do anything right,” and, “I suck at life,” and worse. She’s embarrassed. She knows she’s missing out on opportunities and experiences she’d enjoy but can’t seem to help herself.

Karen is trapped in a pattern that prevents her from achieving her goals. Her thoughts and behavior create problems in her life that ultimately interfere with her long-term goals. Karen is self-sabotaging.

Can you relate to Karen? What opportunities are you sabotaging? Do you say you want to achieve a goal, then do or say something that interferes with reaching it? Is it a recurring pattern? Maybe you want to be better at managing your time, saving for retirement, cultivating healthy relationships, finding growth at work, but find your actions actually interfere with reaching your goals. If that describes you, take heart. It’s possible to overcome your self-sabotaging thoughts and behavior through self-regulation. Then you can reconnect with your goals and work towards finally achieving them.

There are a number of reasons we act in ways that interfere with our own happiness. Some of the forces are obvious, others more subtle. One thing is for sure: you are not broken, unworthy, or flawed. Before we go there, it may help to look at the common signs of self-sabotage.

How do you know when you’re self-sabotaging? Anytime you might be feeling or behaving in the following ways, it’s an indication you’re interfering in your own success:

• Being chronically late
• Procrastinating
• Perfectionism
• Being self-critical
• Making excuses
• Blaming others
• Chronic complaining (without doing anything to change things)
• Avoiding challenges
• Insisting on ‘doing it all myself’
• Avoiding others

Why do we do that? Why do we get in our own way? Are we motivation deficient? Do we lack ambition? Or maybe we’re just lazy? The short answer is, no.

“The source of self-sabotage is part of a common ancestral and evolutionary adaptation that has allowed us to persevere as a species in the first place. To understand how self-sabotage is tied to our human existence, we need to take a look at the two simple principles that drive our survival: attaining rewards and avoiding threats.” ~ Jody Ho, clinical and forensic neuropsychologist and associate professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University.  What Dr. Ho (or Dr. Judy, as she’s affectionately called) is basically saying is, we’re all motivated by pain and gain, avoiding the former, while seeking the latter.

Some common triggers for self-sabotage include boredom, self-doubt, and fear of rejection/failure. When it comes to self-sabotage, it’s critical to understand how your feelings influence your behavior. By approaching your self-sabotage from a place of curiosity rather than judgment, you can understand what emotions are getting in the way of your progress. What are your triggers for self-sabotage? Are you afraid of rejection? Fear of success/failure? Fear of uncertainty and change? How are these triggers holding you back? Identifying the feelings that lead to self-sabotage makes it easier to find compassion for yourself.

Delaying Retirement Planning: A Hidden Form of Self-Sabotage

Imagine this scenario: you know you need to start planning for retirement, but you keep putting it off. Maybe you tell yourself you’ll start next month, or that you’ll prioritize it once you get a raise. But deep down, there’s a nagging feeling of anxiety about the future. You recognize the importance of saving and investing for retirement, but somehow, it never quite makes it to the top of your to-do list. This is self-sabotage in action.

Procrastination, particularly in areas like retirement planning, is a common yet subtle way people sabotage their own futures. Just like Karen’s chronic lateness or her tendency to shy away from the spotlight, delaying retirement planning is another form of behavior that ultimately undermines your long-term goals. You might convince yourself that there’s plenty of time or that other financial priorities are more pressing, but each day that passes without a solid plan is a day closer to a future where your financial security is at risk.

The reasons for this type of self-sabotage are often rooted in fear—fear of making mistakes, fear of facing uncomfortable truths about current finances, or fear of the unknown future. These fears can be paralyzing, leading to avoidance and inaction. However, just like any other form of self-sabotage, it’s possible to overcome this mindset.

Begin by acknowledging the hesitation. Ask yourself: “What am I afraid of when it comes to planning for my retirement?” Understanding the emotions and triggers behind your procrastination can help you approach the task with a new perspective. Instead of viewing retirement planning as a daunting chore, reframe it as a powerful step towards securing your future—a future where you have the freedom and peace of mind to enjoy the life you’ve worked hard to build.

Remember Marcus Aurelius’s wisdom: “You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” By taking control of your thoughts and behaviors, you can break the cycle of self-sabotage and take meaningful action towards your retirement goals. Just as with any other goal, the key is to start small, stay consistent, and be kind to yourself in the process. After all, the only thing standing between you and a secure future is the decision to begin today.

The Power of Community: Join the Your Next Chapter Mastermind Group

Overcoming self-sabotage, especially when it comes to something as crucial as retirement planning, can feel overwhelming when you try to do it alone. That’s where the Your Next Chapter Mastermind group comes in. This supportive community is designed to help you break through the barriers of procrastination and fear by providing accountability, expert guidance, and a network of like-minded individuals who are all working towards their retirement goals.

In the Mastermind group, you’ll learn actionable strategies for planning your retirement, managing your finances, and staying motivated along the way. You don’t have to face these challenges alone—together, we can help you take control of your future, overcome self-sabotage, and build the retirement of your dreams.

Now that you know the signs and triggers of self-sabotage and have insight into the ‘why,’ it’s time to focus on how to overcome this self-defeating behavior once and for all.

It’s hard to change a behavior if you don’t recognize it. Seeing things in black and white can provide powerful insight into your self-sabotage. Try the following exercise. Take out a notebook and a pen and fill in the following statement:

I want (goal), but I continue to (self-defeating behavior). I do that because___.

For Karen, it might look something like this: “I want more interesting challenges at work, but I keep showing up late. I do that because I’m a bit shy and am afraid of the spotlight.” Once Karen realizes her self-destructive behavior and how it impacts her life in unwanted ways, she can begin to find ways to stop. Admitting that you’re self-sabotaging can be painful to accept, but having awareness of your process can help prevent more self-defeating behavior.

Do you find yourself falling short of your goals? Are you getting in your own way? As you start the process of learning about the signs of self-sabotage, what triggers it, and how to take the first step by getting real with yourself, be gentle with yourself too. Trying to change too much, too fast, too soon is classic self-defeating behavior. And remember, you’re not broken, unworthy, or flawed—you’re perfect as you are!

And, speaking of procrastination, if you are needing to engage in planning Your Next Chapter and have put off your decision to join our wonderful mastermind group, the deadline to join for the $550 special is tomorrow!  Please click below for the additional information or to join:  

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE YOUR NEXT CHAPTER MASTERMIND GROUP

SIGN ME UP! I WANT TO MAKE MY NEXT CHAPTER MY BEST CHAPTER!

One last thing, please set aside Saturday August 17, 2024 at 1:00pm ET to join Michael A. Babiarz, JD and I for a Q&A session on Zoom!  Bring your questions!  Meeting details will be shared early next week! We would love to see you!